At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
