got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
