The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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