dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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