last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
