I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
