My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
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He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
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I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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