Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG