atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Come see our sink grown plant.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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