Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
