Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
