u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
