Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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