I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
