Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
