if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just invented taco cereal.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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