Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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