respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
