Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
