When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
