So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
