Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
