He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
