If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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