dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You took a bar mat shot.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
