I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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