Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
