hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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