His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
