I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
