I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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