didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
