my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
