Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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