I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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