Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
