Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
