I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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