My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
