It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
