She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.