omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
