his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize