Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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