his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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