Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
