it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
