The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Vodka?
Forever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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