Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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