Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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