I think my fart just growled at me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
