listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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