my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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