Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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