I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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