that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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