I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
