Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
