Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
