We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
